2016 is Coming to a Close

So, 2016 is nearly over and what a year it has been. While I have made a habit of being grateful every day, I have not put that gratitude to writing. In fact, it has been over five months since I have. 

My last post was written in late July after having clear scans. In the fall, my oncologist moved me to six months between check-ups. Woot! In late January, I will mark three and a half years of being cancer-free. 

I am practicing yoga nearly daily. It hurts when I have to miss a day in class. I do mini-practices at home but it's not the same - intensity, energy, anything. 

Three of four of the sons came home for Christmas. The one who couldn't, visited for a week in October. My oldest is ending his marriage. My youngest seems to be on his way. Transitions are interesting.

Hanukkah started on Christmas Eve this year. Since we celebrate both, we needed to figure out how to do that this year. When they overlap, it's hard but when the first night falls on Christmas Eve, well, negotiations happened. 

I turned 60 this year. My baby sis turned 50, my eldest son, 40, my second son 30, my only niece 20. I also found out that an Irish cousin turned 70. Big year for our extended family.

I am grateful for it all. 

Scanxiety

So, I "celebrated" an anniversary of sorts over the weekend and spent four hours at the Breast Center getting a bone density scan, breast ultrasound and 3D mammogram. Three years ago on July 24, I went for a routine mammogram and walked out with a breast cancer diagnosis.

I feel great except for a worsening lymphedema. Even though my markers were negative at my last oncologist's visit in May, I still approach these yearly scans with some trepidation. Especially as, being at the 3-year mark, I am closer to that magic 5-year mark. For some reason, at these anniversaries, I mourn my the loss of my arrogant, healthy self for a while.

With some ambivalence, I took to FB with my worries and received lots of "positive thoughts" and virtual hugs. It helped, especially from those friends who have been through it. They understand in ways that cancer-free folks do not. I even learned a new word - scanxiety - from a new FB friend. I love it. 

Today, I am grateful
     for my health,
     for my friends,
     for my health insurance,
     for my hospital, which provides this valuable service,
    and even for scanxiety.

Keeping an Open Mind

I'm on vacation at our beach house this week and that means a change in my yoga studio. I started practicing yoga at this studio while on vacation, hm-m, six or so years ago? Eventually, my vacation yoga practice turned into a twice a week practice with one of my sisters in her basement studio. Yoga practice dropped to nothing through chemotherapy but I asked my patient navigator for a studio recommendation since I already had lymphedema and needed a place that catered to recovery. 

She recommended yoga studio in Teaneck and when my query email was answered warmly and almost immediately, I knew I was in good hands. After one class, I found a home and began to devote myself to practice 3 - 4 times weekly. By June, I felt strong enough to up my practice to 6 - 7 times weekly and for the past two years, I have maintained a nearly daily yoga practice.

I am also in a different studio. If you had told me that I would eventually stop practicing there, I would've told you that you were nuts. When I read in an article somewhere that it is actually good for your yoga practice to switch teachers and studios regularly, I scoffed. I was so comfortable there I never dreamed of leaving. 

That is not to say that my yoga was automatic or in a rut. But there was a certain comfort level in the space, in the teachers and in the other participants. I added a second studio for the two days a week studio one didn't have a class for me. 

And found a different energy in studio two. This studio was still dedicated to living a yogic life and not at all competitive or demanding - just different. I liked it and was content to split my time between studios one and two. But then, I got stronger and was ready for different challenges. I'd show up at class and be raring to go but most of my classmates were tired or had injuries and wanted/ needed less. I began to look at other classes at studio two and tried them out. Gradually, I found myself going to more classes at studio two and fewer and fewer at studio one. Since January, I have been practicing seven days a week at studio two.

I am happy there. The owner is very flexible and open to trying new things. He added a Yin class, which I tried and loved. He tried a Yoga Nidra workshop that was so well-received that there's going to be one a month for the next five or six months. Even so, thoughts of trying someplace new occasionally flit through my mind.

My vacation studio has a small core of the same teachers but each year, there are always a band of new teachers to try. This morning's gentle yoga class was taught by someone new to me. She said that we were going to practice Kundalini Yoga and we started practice with a long set of Breath of Fire, a prana that I don't do particularly well, nor do I enjoy it. We also held poses for a really long time lending a sort of Yin quality to the class. Then, I had to do 26 Frog poses and started sweating. I was pleasantly surprised by both the vigor and meditative quality of the class. 

I like to think that I am open-minded but am often not. Regular yoga practice has help remind me to try to be open-minded. Regular yoga practice has taught me that the poses and breaths I enjoy least are probably the ones I need most. 

I am very lucky. 

Oh my, a month and almost a half

Oh dear. I have been so, so remiss in recording my gratitudes! I really wanted to write something daily. I have not. So it is. That is not to say I have not been grateful for something nearly every day. I am. 

I have been meditating more and paying attention to setting intentions. Today, I wanted to spend the day and resist complaining. I did. It was a good day. 

I've Got to Laugh

So much for writing daily about gratitude! A month has gone by since my last entry. But my mindfulness about what I'm grateful for has not been on hiatus. I practice yoga nearly daily and I end each session with an expression of gratitude.

New Beginnings - Take Two

Well, it has been over a month since I sat down to write about the things for which I am grateful. February was quite full and busy. My meditation practice has also been neglected. I am not beating myself up over it - just noting and moving on. That's the beauty of both yoga and meditation - getting into a mindset of no judgement. That is very hard for me. I tend to leap to judgement. Acknowledging that helps. Knowing that every moment, really, can be a new beginning does as well. 

Son's Birthday

27 years ago, at 8:09 AM, I gave birth to my third son. He arrived exactly on his due date and was a whopping 9 pounds, 11 ounces! He was a delightful baby and turned into a bright, curious, eager, achieving child, teen-ager, college student, working man. I am so grateful that he loves to come home from time to time for a weekend of allowing mama to feed him up. Happy birthday, A.

60 Degrees in January

This winter has been unseasonably warm and I'm not so sure I should be grateful for that. However, we did get a fine blast of winter last weekend in the form of a blizzard that dumped a bunch of snow on nearly the entire eastern coast. So, today's blast of warm air did a lot to melt that snow and the sunshine was delicious.

A Dog's Trust

Sometimes, it's the little things that fill the heart. I had the dogs out earlier and was taking in the indigo sky and trying to find all the planets that are supposedly visible in the early morning sky. I treasure my early mornings. It's a positive way to start each day. Today, Friday suddenly came up lame and limped straight to his bed. When I reached for his paw, he gave me a look of such trust coupled with sadness, it nearly broke my heart. It didn't take long to find the culprit, a beechnut was lodged deep between the paw pads and slid out easily. The effect was instantaneous. Friday leaped in a circle and covered me in kisses, snorting with happiness. I laughed out loud. My dog thinks I'm a genius. I treasure the trust he puts in me and am reminded that I need to earn it.

My Colleagues

I am blessed with able, learned and generous colleagues who support me even when my anxiety creates a kind of tunnel vision.

My Community of Readers

I am lucky in that I receive a fair number of advance reader copies from publishers. Too many to read in a timely fashion, so I often share them with my students who, in turn share their opinions with me. When a student tells me that I HAVE to read a book, I always do. I am grateful for this give-and-take.

Sunny Days

Today dawned clear and cold. I saw Venus rising in the east, but none of the other planets I saw earlier this week. The snow was pristine and crunchy. The dogs loved it. As the day wore on, there was plenty of sunshine and brilliant blue skies. A truly lovely day to finish the snow cleanup. 

Snow Storm!

I used to love to shovel snow. I would plug a book in my ears and get some exercise. But ever since I developed lymphedema, shoveling snow is dicey. I lose strength rather quickly, my left arm throbs and the swelling increases. Around the time I developed the condition, I acquired a snow blower (long story). It was a life saver! I am grateful every time I need to use it.

Feeling Appreciated

I received an email from my principal complimenting me on the Reader's Advisory conversation I had with a sixth grade student at the book fair. She wanted help with choosing a book. Her mom insisted that she choose a classic or something challenging. We spent quite a bit of time considering a number of titles. I was vaguely aware that my principal was in the room.

I am not only grateful he noticed, but thought to write and tell me. 

Book Fairs!

I adore book fair time. This year, it falls the day after I returned from the ALA Midwinter Convention with 10 bags of new books. No matter, I managed to make a stack of books that I will pay for tomorrow (probably after adding more). 

I am grateful for books.

Home!

I am grateful to be home again. I've been away since Friday attending an amazing conference, where I recharged. But I missed my home, my dogs and my students. So I'm grateful to be home. I can't wait to share the books I got with my students tomorrow.

Oops!

There goes my intention to be grateful each day. Strike that, to write about being grateful each day. I have felt gratitude since Friday, mostly for what has kept me busy from early morning to late at night. I am attending the Midwinter meeting of the American Library Association. I'm grateful my school gave me Monday to attend the Youth Media Awards. It's so exciting to be in the room when all the awards are announced!

I'm grateful that my husband came with me although he hasn't seen too much of me.

I'm grateful that we were able to take our youngest son, who lives in the area and his girlfriend out for dinner. 

I'm grateful for the publishers' generosity with librarians - arcs and meal invitations.

I'm grateful for my conference buddies, especially Barb.

The Honesty of Children

This year, I have been meeting with a small group of special needs students almost daily. We worked our way through Odd Weird and Little by Patrick Jennings, then did a bunch of picture books. One of those picture books was Toys Meet Snow by Emily Jenkins. They really enjoyed it so I thought that our next chapter book might be Toys Go Out. They hung in for the first chapter and seemed to enjoy it; but yesterday, I had to stop midway through chapter 2. I finished chapter 2 today but the students seemed disconnected. I don't think they got it. So I asked them if they thought we should continue. One boy, who usually gets the read aloud and can answer questions appropriately said, "I'm just not getting it."

Not the right book at this time. I thanked the students for their honesty and promised that we would find a "just right" book for our next read aloud.

Being an Early Riser

I am a morning dove. Yes, I know the bird is actually called a mourning dove. I am an unapologetic early riser. I love the quiet of the transition between night and day. This morning was uncommonly clear - crisp and cold with a crescent moon rising just ahead of the sun.

I Did it!

I recommitted to my yoga practice two years ago this month after completing chemotherapy and as I was about to start radiation therapy. I started going to a wonderful studio that was recommended by my patient navigator at the hospital where I was treated. The classes were perfect for me, gentle yoga for stress relief, mindful yoga and other gentle yoga classes. Within six months, I was practicing daily and adding some more rigorous classes, including a bone strengthening class. 

I am so grateful to my practice and my teachers at the two studios I use now as well as all the teachers I have had in the past when I practiced occasionally.

I have seen a marked improvement in my flexibility, some improvement in my balance and core strength. I have internalized the mantra, "It's your yoga. No judgment." Whatever I can do on a particular day is fine.

Last night, a favorite new-to-me teacher walked the class through the steps to do a half-headstand and I surprised myself by getting up onto my forearms and balancing with my toes touching! Woot! A first!

I remembered it as soon as I woke up this morning and thought about it several times today with a smile. 

Back to School!

I am lucky in that I love my job. I really love what I do. That said, it was nice to have a leisurely and long break for the winter holidays. I returned today refreshed and ready to greet my students. 

Memories

My youngest son was primarily responsible for decorating our Christmas Tree this year. He did a lovely job.

Of course, he said that I must take a photo of the tree at night to feel the full impact of his lighting design. 

Of course.

I took the tree down today and each ornament he chose to put up had a memory attached.

Thank you K.

Sleep is Good

I woke up rested this morning. I fell asleep with relative ease. I waked every two hours with hot flashes but did not stay awake. 

Happy New Year!

It's a new year, a clean page, a new beginning. But each day is, really. So is each second. I am grateful for the continuous opportunities to start over or hit reset.