Year-end Thoughts and Gratitude

Yikes! Over six months since my last post! Not that it has been six months without feeling gratitude. I contemplate what I'm grateful for each time I hit the yoga mat, which is nearly daily. 

The holidays have come and are nearly gone. #4 son was home and decorated our tree. I am grateful he continues to make an effort to come home from time to time. He lives in Massachusetts so it's quite a haul!

Four days...

...without caffeine, added sugar, alcohol and allowing only one serving of bread and sweets a day. Every so often, I think, "A cup of tea would be nice," but otherwise, I don't miss any of it. Grateful.

Sunday Gratitude

New day, new week. I woke up this morning deciding to avoid caffeine, alcohol and added sugar in my diet. I will allow myself one serving of bread and a small dessert per day. I am grateful that I haven't gotten a caffeine headache. I will subscribe to the "just for this day" strategy and hope that the days pile up, the pounds fall off and I feel more energy.

Snow Storm of March 7

Yes, I realize that today is the tenth. I have not gone to a yoga class since Tuesday. The storm hit on Wednesday, and the studio (all the studios) were understandably closed. We had a delayed opening on Thursday, but my regular studio had a power outage that was still not resolved on Thursday - so no yoga nidra. Nor was it resolved Friday. Ditto for Saturday! (No Yin:-() But, I just got an email that classes will resume tomorrow!

Our power cut out for about an hour during the storm on Wednesday. Just long enough for me to need to wrestle with the garage door to get the snow blower out. We have a generac but that does not provide full power to the house (unless we wanted to spend way more money). We have the basics covered - fridge, heat, hot water heater and some lights. It's enough.

I'm grateful for the strength to shovel snow.
I'm grateful for the snow blower when I need it.
I'm grateful for the power the generac provided.
I'm grateful the power was restored quickly.

Two of my neighbors had huge branches yank down their power lines. I saw the utility trucks at one house this afternoon. Considering we have a 100+ year old beech that could take out our house if it ever topples, I am grateful it stands after each storm.

Grateful for Visits from Sons

I will be missing yoga class today; but for a great reason. My two youngest sons are heading "home" for the weekend. I'll be cooking up a storm, feeding them up and sending them off with leftovers. I am grateful that they make the effort to come to visit. Youngest has far to travel. He lives up in Somerville, MA. #3 lives in NYC and comes home every 4 - 6 weeks.

Yoga Nidra

I am so grateful to Patrice, one of my yoga teachers who offered a Yoga Nidra series at the studio where I take most of my classes. Originally, they were started as a once a month series. I think I slept through most of the first few I took. My husband jokingly referred to these sessions as my $25 naps! But I enjoyed them and I was honestly sorry when I had to miss one. Some months back, the owner of the studio scheduled Yoga Nidra as a weekly class. Readers, I am hooked. 

I don't fall asleep anymore and yet, I leave the class feeling rejuvenated. Yoga Nidra is a state of deep relaxation. You are not sleeping and yet, you are not awake. 

Oops! Nearly another year...

...has passed since posting. Yikes. It's the day after Thanksgiving and I'm recovering. Yesterday started before dawn. It was a marathon of cooking for an early afternoon dinner. This was in deference to traveling relatives who wanted to get on the road early. What a whirlwind! But it was lovely.

I have much to be grateful for and I do try to reflect on that at least once during each day but yesterday for sure. Today would've been my father's 88th birthday. We always celebrated his birthday on Thanksgiving, so I'm never really sure which day it is but my sister-in-law, who is amazing about keeping track of birthdays and anniversaries, mentioned it yesterday.

Earlier this month, on the 16th, I was thinking of my sister, Liza, who would've been 60. She died a month or so after I started cancer treatment and about six weeks shy of her 56th birthday. I think about her at least once daily. She was my best friend. 

2016 is Coming to a Close

So, 2016 is nearly over and what a year it has been. While I have made a habit of being grateful every day, I have not put that gratitude to writing. In fact, it has been over five months since I have. 

My last post was written in late July after having clear scans. In the fall, my oncologist moved me to six months between check-ups. Woot! In late January, I will mark three and a half years of being cancer-free. 

I am practicing yoga nearly daily. It hurts when I have to miss a day in class. I do mini-practices at home but it's not the same - intensity, energy, anything. 

Three of four of the sons came home for Christmas. The one who couldn't, visited for a week in October. My oldest is ending his marriage. My youngest seems to be on his way. Transitions are interesting.

Hanukkah started on Christmas Eve this year. Since we celebrate both, we needed to figure out how to do that this year. When they overlap, it's hard but when the first night falls on Christmas Eve, well, negotiations happened. 

I turned 60 this year. My baby sis turned 50, my eldest son, 40, my second son 30, my only niece 20. I also found out that an Irish cousin turned 70. Big year for our extended family.

I am grateful for it all. 

Scanxiety

So, I "celebrated" an anniversary of sorts over the weekend and spent four hours at the Breast Center getting a bone density scan, breast ultrasound and 3D mammogram. Three years ago on July 24, I went for a routine mammogram and walked out with a breast cancer diagnosis.

I feel great except for a worsening lymphedema. Even though my markers were negative at my last oncologist's visit in May, I still approach these yearly scans with some trepidation. Especially as, being at the 3-year mark, I am closer to that magic 5-year mark. For some reason, at these anniversaries, I mourn my the loss of my arrogant, healthy self for a while.

With some ambivalence, I took to FB with my worries and received lots of "positive thoughts" and virtual hugs. It helped, especially from those friends who have been through it. They understand in ways that cancer-free folks do not. I even learned a new word - scanxiety - from a new FB friend. I love it. 

Today, I am grateful
     for my health,
     for my friends,
     for my health insurance,
     for my hospital, which provides this valuable service,
    and even for scanxiety.

Keeping an Open Mind

I'm on vacation at our beach house this week and that means a change in my yoga studio. I started practicing yoga at this studio while on vacation, hm-m, six or so years ago? Eventually, my vacation yoga practice turned into a twice a week practice with one of my sisters in her basement studio. Yoga practice dropped to nothing through chemotherapy but I asked my patient navigator for a studio recommendation since I already had lymphedema and needed a place that catered to recovery. 

She recommended yoga studio in Teaneck and when my query email was answered warmly and almost immediately, I knew I was in good hands. After one class, I found a home and began to devote myself to practice 3 - 4 times weekly. By June, I felt strong enough to up my practice to 6 - 7 times weekly and for the past two years, I have maintained a nearly daily yoga practice.

I am also in a different studio. If you had told me that I would eventually stop practicing there, I would've told you that you were nuts. When I read in an article somewhere that it is actually good for your yoga practice to switch teachers and studios regularly, I scoffed. I was so comfortable there I never dreamed of leaving. 

That is not to say that my yoga was automatic or in a rut. But there was a certain comfort level in the space, in the teachers and in the other participants. I added a second studio for the two days a week studio one didn't have a class for me. 

And found a different energy in studio two. This studio was still dedicated to living a yogic life and not at all competitive or demanding - just different. I liked it and was content to split my time between studios one and two. But then, I got stronger and was ready for different challenges. I'd show up at class and be raring to go but most of my classmates were tired or had injuries and wanted/ needed less. I began to look at other classes at studio two and tried them out. Gradually, I found myself going to more classes at studio two and fewer and fewer at studio one. Since January, I have been practicing seven days a week at studio two.

I am happy there. The owner is very flexible and open to trying new things. He added a Yin class, which I tried and loved. He tried a Yoga Nidra workshop that was so well-received that there's going to be one a month for the next five or six months. Even so, thoughts of trying someplace new occasionally flit through my mind.

My vacation studio has a small core of the same teachers but each year, there are always a band of new teachers to try. This morning's gentle yoga class was taught by someone new to me. She said that we were going to practice Kundalini Yoga and we started practice with a long set of Breath of Fire, a prana that I don't do particularly well, nor do I enjoy it. We also held poses for a really long time lending a sort of Yin quality to the class. Then, I had to do 26 Frog poses and started sweating. I was pleasantly surprised by both the vigor and meditative quality of the class. 

I like to think that I am open-minded but am often not. Regular yoga practice has help remind me to try to be open-minded. Regular yoga practice has taught me that the poses and breaths I enjoy least are probably the ones I need most. 

I am very lucky. 

Oh my, a month and almost a half

Oh dear. I have been so, so remiss in recording my gratitudes! I really wanted to write something daily. I have not. So it is. That is not to say I have not been grateful for something nearly every day. I am. 

I have been meditating more and paying attention to setting intentions. Today, I wanted to spend the day and resist complaining. I did. It was a good day. 

I've Got to Laugh

So much for writing daily about gratitude! A month has gone by since my last entry. But my mindfulness about what I'm grateful for has not been on hiatus. I practice yoga nearly daily and I end each session with an expression of gratitude.

New Beginnings - Take Two

Well, it has been over a month since I sat down to write about the things for which I am grateful. February was quite full and busy. My meditation practice has also been neglected. I am not beating myself up over it - just noting and moving on. That's the beauty of both yoga and meditation - getting into a mindset of no judgement. That is very hard for me. I tend to leap to judgement. Acknowledging that helps. Knowing that every moment, really, can be a new beginning does as well. 

Son's Birthday

27 years ago, at 8:09 AM, I gave birth to my third son. He arrived exactly on his due date and was a whopping 9 pounds, 11 ounces! He was a delightful baby and turned into a bright, curious, eager, achieving child, teen-ager, college student, working man. I am so grateful that he loves to come home from time to time for a weekend of allowing mama to feed him up. Happy birthday, A.

60 Degrees in January

This winter has been unseasonably warm and I'm not so sure I should be grateful for that. However, we did get a fine blast of winter last weekend in the form of a blizzard that dumped a bunch of snow on nearly the entire eastern coast. So, today's blast of warm air did a lot to melt that snow and the sunshine was delicious.

A Dog's Trust

Sometimes, it's the little things that fill the heart. I had the dogs out earlier and was taking in the indigo sky and trying to find all the planets that are supposedly visible in the early morning sky. I treasure my early mornings. It's a positive way to start each day. Today, Friday suddenly came up lame and limped straight to his bed. When I reached for his paw, he gave me a look of such trust coupled with sadness, it nearly broke my heart. It didn't take long to find the culprit, a beechnut was lodged deep between the paw pads and slid out easily. The effect was instantaneous. Friday leaped in a circle and covered me in kisses, snorting with happiness. I laughed out loud. My dog thinks I'm a genius. I treasure the trust he puts in me and am reminded that I need to earn it.

My Colleagues

I am blessed with able, learned and generous colleagues who support me even when my anxiety creates a kind of tunnel vision.

My Community of Readers

I am lucky in that I receive a fair number of advance reader copies from publishers. Too many to read in a timely fashion, so I often share them with my students who, in turn share their opinions with me. When a student tells me that I HAVE to read a book, I always do. I am grateful for this give-and-take.

Sunny Days

Today dawned clear and cold. I saw Venus rising in the east, but none of the other planets I saw earlier this week. The snow was pristine and crunchy. The dogs loved it. As the day wore on, there was plenty of sunshine and brilliant blue skies. A truly lovely day to finish the snow cleanup. 

Snow Storm!

I used to love to shovel snow. I would plug a book in my ears and get some exercise. But ever since I developed lymphedema, shoveling snow is dicey. I lose strength rather quickly, my left arm throbs and the swelling increases. Around the time I developed the condition, I acquired a snow blower (long story). It was a life saver! I am grateful every time I need to use it.